"...Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
Romans 8:24b-25

13 January 2013

Sleepless Nights

I often spend precious minutes and even hours browsing Facebook and Twitter at "ridiculous o'clock in the morning" because I am unable to sleep. Sleep is something I covet. I lay beside DH, listening to him breathe, thinking perhaps I will join him if enough time passes.  This morning I decided I may as well attempt to blog.

"Oh, no! (Insert eye roll) She's not going to complain about her infant keeping her up at night, is she?!?"

No. Actually, E is sound asleep and has been for quite some time.  Sure, she's the reason I woke up at 2:45 this morning, but I can actually do midnight feedings half asleep, even forget the next morning that I was ever up.

This morning I couldn't sleep because my brain wouldn't be quiet.  I've often said that I wish there was an "off" switch for my brain.  There are usually no less than three thoughts running through my head at any given moment, with a song running along in the background.  On really thought-filled days there may even be an ongoing counting session running alongside the song. That's during the day.

At night the thoughts seem to be less cluttered, but they're louder.  They may take turns, but they do so in rapid-fire mode.

I suppose that during the day there are so many things vying for my attention that the thoughts must just stack up on top of each other.  Then at night, when all I have to "do" is sleep, the thoughts are the only thing vying for my attention.  These are not very often the easy kind of thoughts like, "Remember to buy eggs tomorrow...you forgot to drop the package off at the post office."  Those thoughts are easy to tune out and are a quick mental check that can be dismissed as quickly as they come.

The thoughts that keep me awake at night and in the early morning hours are the ones that usually regard circumstances in my life that have no solution.  One thought about one circumstance may lead me to another thought about a separate circumstance, which leads me to another one and another and before I know it, I'm processing through all the big issues that I've conveniently left simmering on the back burner as I live in the moment of each new day.

As I lay in bed two hours ago doing my Kegels, trying to fall asleep after feeding E, a blog post began forming in my head (not this one...this one is off the cuff).  I realized that one of the things that's been nagging at the back of my mind during the day is that I need to blog again, and honestly, blogging regularly may help me sort through some of the thoughts.

My trouble is that blog posts no longer stay in my head long enough for me to get to the computer, or even the notes app on my phone, to jot down a line or two (perhaps due to my lack of sleep?).  I had a MUCH better blog post forming in my head on my way downstairs about this sleepless night, but by the time I got myself settled, the thoughts were vague and distant.

Ah, well...it's almost time to get up for church, so I'll try to catch a few winks before then.  Just acknowledging the fact that I have potential blog posts swirling in my head seems to have helped.  Or maybe it's the cathartic sound of the keyboard lulling me into a drowsy state.

I'm giving you all a head's up...it's past time for me to blog about the birth of E and the physical, mental, and emotional repercussions that has had on me.  I expect that there will be more than one blog post written on the subject.  And, hopefully I will be able to begin that with my next post.

In the mean time, rest well.  May all of your nights be filled with peaceful, restful sleep.


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I would love to hear from you! The subject matter of this blog can be very sensitive. This is intended to be a place of encouragement and to be uplifting. It is never my desire to cause pain through what I write here, so please keep that in mind as you share your thoughts. Thank you.