"...Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
Romans 8:24b-25

06 December 2012

It's Been a While...

Just short of 9 months, as a matter of fact.

At first I wasn't posting much during pregnancy because I didn't want to alienate those still walking the deep trenches of infertility, and I didn't know how to share what was going on in my world in a way that wouldn't do that.

Then, after EG was born, I was in the midst of what is called "the 4th trimester" in which there were very few moments of alone time when I wasn't sleeping to try to keep up.  But I longed to be online and sharing my heart with you all.

After that came the stage of: "Okay, I have energy, my baby is okay on her own for bits at a time, and LOOK at this MESS of a house and all the many things I must do to catch up!" I felt guilty even checking e-mail, much less sitting down to type out my rambling thoughts.

Eventually I transitioned into a place where I was okay with the function of the household but I was needing a break from being needed. If my sweet baby didn't need me, my husband did. And if it wasn't my husband, it was my cat.  And on the days when even my cat was content, some crisis would erupt in some other part of my life and more than anything I just wanted to be selfish and curl up in my bed and be alone for as long as anyone would let me.

Time passed and I came to terms with needing to give more of myself than I thought there was to give, but I also learned to step back from some things or people for a time and to be more vocal than I already was about what I needed and how others could meet those needs.

I can't say that I'm anywhere close to having "it all together" (or even anything together for that matter), but I can say that I'm finally approaching a place where I can look at the areas of my house that still need de-cluttering/organizing and not feel an extreme amount of pressure; I can look to my husband and say, "We don't have to do takeout again, I have things to cook, but I need you to watch EG while I cook," (or do laundry, or de-clutter...whatever the case may be); I can look at my sweet daughter playing on her blanket on the floor and feel the freedom to step into another room (like the bathroom, for example) and take the time to do what I need to do.

Which brings me to this moment.  I still don't know what to write or how to write it in a way that won't alienate many of you who hold a very real place in my heart.  But I realized that when I wasn't checking my e-mail and couldn't do more than just glance at Twitter, I already lost much of the bond that had formed with so many that I care about in this community.  When I would post, it would be pictures of EG, which I'm certain were not welcomed by all on Twitter.  I lost followers, and I lost touch.  With a complete lack of blog posts, my reason for not blogging was actually coming to fruition because when I became silent, I alienated not just some, but ALL.

I care deeply about this community and I know there are still those I've connected with who care deeply about me, DH, and EG (and yes, even our cat, G).  So, I've decided to blog again. Not just for myself. Not just for those I've already connected with.  But for those who may yet stumble upon this blog. My story didn't end when we finally conceived. Our journey through infertility still continues.  We are just traveling a part of the journey that isn't on the map for everyone.  Everyone's journey is different, even among those of us who have children.  I'd love for you to continue walking alongside me on this journey, and I hope to be a blessing to you along the way.


  1. I'm still interested! I may be a bitter infertile but I can still appreciate and enjoy listening to your journey. May G-d bless you and your beautiful new family. Writing is therapeutic. Don't write in fear of what people are going to think or feel. And certainly don't censor yourself. Write for you. Yes sometimes you do have to close one chapter and start another and sadly that does mean some do not follow. Xx

  2. I'm so glad you are still part of the community too- I felt (feel) th same way- survivors guilt after infertility I think.


I would love to hear from you! The subject matter of this blog can be very sensitive. This is intended to be a place of encouragement and to be uplifting. It is never my desire to cause pain through what I write here, so please keep that in mind as you share your thoughts. Thank you.