I am very excited about what's ahead! I'm not certain how it will pan out, and I'm not certain how to get there, but I am certain that I'm supposed to move forward, so that's what I'm doing.
My enthusiasm stems from something that was laid on my heart on Saturday. Really, it was laid on my heart years ago, I just didn't know what it was or what to do with it. Here's the story:
- One day my husband and I felt very strongly we should stop trying to prevent pregnancy, even though we were not yet "ready" to have children.
- Soon after that, we realized that getting pregnant wouldn't happen for us as quickly as it seemed to for other "normal" people - we realized we were not normal.
- A desire to begin having children grew within us and (what seemed like) "all" of our friends and siblings began having copious amounts of children. Much pain ensued.
- We embarked down the path of fertility treatments with much hope, and we grew stronger in our love for each other and for the Lord each step of the way.
- I became aware that there was a real need within the church for support for couples going through infertility. Those I knew going through it felt isolated and unable to talk about it with the very people who were meant to help bear their burdens.
- All the fertility treatments failed completely (in the sense of producing children) and it suddenly dawned on me that I needed to, that I wanted to, live in the here and now and be fruitful and productive in the moments God has given me to live.
- The idea of creating a place people could go in order to realize that they're not alone and perhaps be encouraged in hearing from another on this journey came to mind and this blog was conceived. I didn't birth it until a year later because I was afraid.
- We moved and were looking for ways to get plugged in and serve in our local church. While at a leadership meeting, still unsure how to serve as a couple in light of my husband's upcoming deployment, the idea of developing a bible study specifically targeting the issue of infertility popped in my head.
- I shared the idea with my husband and we immediately began brainstorming what we would cover, how long it should last, and what a study like that would look like.
We are both very, VERY excited about this upcoming study! We approached our pastor to see if he knew if there was even a need in this small congregation for something like this. He put me in contact with a lovely woman on a similar journey. She brought it to my attention that there are others, as well, that would benefit from a study on this issue, although they might not consider themselves to be under the label of "infertile."
I am thankful for a husband who thinks linearly, as I tend to be a more abstract thinker. As we brainstormed, I was reminded again why we make such a great team. He's able to organize the subject matter that we would want to address in the study, and I am able to remind him of the emotions attached to those areas.
I am thankful, also, that God is giving me a more clear direction on this journey. Yes, it seems tragic that a young couple who longs to have children is unable to conceive and bear a child. But how much more tragic it would be if that young couple spent all of their time and energy on longing for children, and missed out on the moments of today!
It is my prayer that, as we continue to struggle with the angst and pain of a God-given desire which is currently unfulfilled, that we not lose sight of how short this life is that he has given us, so that we will remember to ask him how he wants us to make the most of the days he's given us in the midst of the circumstances he's provided for our good and his glory.