Between Two Worlds

"Let's start at the very beginning.  A very good place to start..."

I began writing this blog about a year after the idea came to mind, when I finally felt like I had something worthwhile to share.

I began writing this blog because I honestly didn't know there were many (if any) blogs being written about infertility and the struggles, heartache, emotions, etc. that go along with it.

I began writing this blog because I felt it was important to have an open dialogue about something, in my experience, most people are uncomfortable talking about and want to push under a rug or wrap up in a nice, neat little package and leave it at the doorstep of Adoption.

I began writing this blog because I had finally begun to sort through the years of struggle we had endured; had finally had enough of the silence; had finally begun viewing our circumstances from a healthy perspective.

I began writing this blog because I knew there were others "out there" struggling, suffering, grieving in silence and I wanted them to know that they were not alone.  I wanted them to have a safe place to go to find someone else walking in the land of Infertility.

I took great pains creating a title to the blog.  Up to that point, the only blogs I had read were gluten-free blogs, a blog written by a Hooters girl, and personal friends' and family's blogs...all of which had pictures and most of which insisted if you didn't have pictures then no one would read your blog.  But I digress.

The blog name I chose was one I thought would grow with me as I grew and grow with our family as it grew.

You see, when I first decided to write the blog, I knew that I was finally content with our circumstances.  And it's been my experience in life that just when I get comfortable with how God has things, He changes them.  So, while I didn't know that our family was going to expand as quickly as it did, I knew that something was liable to change...even if that something was simply my contentment with circumstances.

I've been thinking for months that I need to get back to blogging.  But each time that thought entered my mind it was immediately followed by the question, "But what would I say?"  Then today, my Dear Husband made the comment to me, all the way from Kuwait, that it had been forever since I had posted on my blog.  I knew then that I couldn't put it off any longer.

My target audience has always been people struggling with infertility and the people that are close to them.  When I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant, I honestly didn't want to hear the ramblings of a pregnant person...whether they had experienced Infertility or not, unless of course their ramblings had nothing to do with their pregnancy.

But I couldn't very well start rambling about my daily life when the entire topic of my blog is about the journey through Infertility.

The irony is, my Dear Husband and I are actually STILL walking on the journey through Infertility.  This pregnancy hasn't miraculously cured us of the problems that have kept us from getting pregnant over the last 7 1/2 years.  We still get angry when we know people who readily terminate a pregnancy simply because it's inconvenient, and we still tell them "We'll adopt the baby if you'll take it to term."  We still get annoyed when we see and hear parents take their kids for granted and fail to recognize what a blessing they are.

Our perspective has been forever changed.  We will never view pregnancy, children, or parenthood from a "fertile" mindset.

One of my dear friends who has two beautiful daughters through IVF helped me see early on that Infertility doesn't disappear once a pregnancy is achieved.  Although there are those unique stories of women who never struggle to get pregnant after their first pregnancy, in many circumstances this is not the norm.  My aforementioned friend shared with me that she still catches herself wondering each month if maybe this month they will be pregnant.  At the time, I had it in my head that if I could just get pregnant then all the pain would disappear.  Her words brought home the reality that pregnancy isn't always the remedy for, or antidote to, Infertility.

So, here I sit, pregnant, with a precious little girl kicking inside of me even as I type these words, wondering what to do about this blog that has become a tremendous source of encouragement for me.

As I typed out the sentence, "Our perspective has been forever changed," just a moment ago, I was struck by the fact that with this pregnancy, our Infertile perspective has also been changed.

We are still on this journey.  But the emotions we face now and the struggles we are encountering are new and uncharted.  We don't fit in the Fertile world.  We never will, and I'm thankful for that because I appreciate the different perspective we've been granted through our struggle.  

But we also don't fit entirely in the Infertile world because (despite my husband being deployed for the duration), we are experiencing what is often the deepest longing of couples enduring Infertility...the presence and experience of life growing inside of my body, forever changing our world, forever changing our perspective.

I long to continue writing this blog.

I long to continue offering encouragement to those struggling with Infertility.

I long to continue to have growing friendships with those I have met online through this blog.

I long to be true to my readers.

But I am unsure as to how to proceed.  It doesn't seem right, whether the name lends itself to the expansion of our family or not, to begin writing about the experiences of pregnancy.

I would appreciate reading thoughts and comments from you, my readers, on ideas you may have as to how I can still be an encouragement in the midst of this transition.