The Wait is Over: Peace in the Pain

I forget sometimes that Twitter is not my blog ;-)  I'm on Twitter so frequently, ranting about my day or updating people on the latest happenings, that sometimes it feels like I've actually updated my blog.

My apologies for leaving you all hanging in the middle of my two-week-wait, when clearly that has long since passed!

Sunday, June 12th, was the day we had the blood work done to find out if we were pregnant.  We got up early, drove to Austin, had the blood drawn, ate a nice brunch, and drove home.

I was extremely tired from all of the progesterone in my system, and more than a little grumpy from all the other hormones, so I took a nap while DH read his Nook for a bit.

When it was finally time for us to page the on-call nurse for the results, DH asked if I would please take an at-home test so that if it was negative we would not be hearing the news from a stranger.

I complied because I honestly didn't care one way or another.  I wanted him to have the buffer if he needed it.  I just wanted to be done with the waiting.  I was fairly certain that the results would be negative.

And they were.  The pee stick showed a negative result.  A minute and a half later, we got the confirmation from the on-call nurse that the beta was in fact <1.  I thanked her for her time and tried to sound reassuring in my tone because I can only imagine how incredibly difficult it must be to be the one who has to give couples such difficult news.

The phone was on speaker, so I didn't have to relay the information to my sweet husband. He held me and we cried.  I cried for him because he was so completely heart-broken.  I did not have any sad tears about the loss of the embryos, and I wasn't sure why.  (I realized later that I had truly mourned their loss when we got the embryologist report a week earlier.  I had lost hope that day that they had survived.)

DH and I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening with each other, hashing through the emotions and implications of the failed cycle.  We notified his parents and my parents of the news through a phone call, and we texted and e-mailed the rest of our friends and family, asking for some time to grieve.

I was blown away by the realization of the perfect timing of every detail (as difficult as the details of the day were).  I'll spare you a running recount of events, but it was amazing to me to see how specifically spaced out each event was in the course of that day.  It was very comforting to me because I could clearly see the hand of God all over our lives, and I had a peace wash over me regarding His timing for our family.

I shared that with my DH, and although it didn't ease his pain that day, over the next two days, he too was able to see the same perfect timing, and it also brought him comfort.  He commented that while the events that make the perfection of that timing clear are incredibly sucky, difficult, and/or frustrating, it's BECAUSE of how difficult those things are that we're able to see the perfection in the timing.  (Irony was an extremely difficult concept for me to grasp in high school...I suppose God is making sure that I get a full grasp of it through hands-on training.  lol!)

We have one beautiful frozen embryo in the blastocyst stage.  We have scheduled a Frozen Embryo Transfer for the month of July.  This month is devoted to shrinking down the remaining follicles on my ovaries, and making memories prior to DH's deployment.  He will not be able to be here for the transfer since we are having to wait until July, but we are trusting God's timing in the midst of all of this.

In the mean time, if you are one who prays and are wondering how we can use prayer, you can pray that the thawing of the embryo will be successful on the day of transfer and that the embryo will survive the thaw.  You can also pray that we will make the most of each day that we have remaining together and that I will not be in a funk.  While I was not at all depressed about the failed IVF, I have found myself battling depression at the thought of being separated from my husband for another year.

Thank you for your patience with my own imperfect timing.  Thank you for your support through your comments and through reading this blog.  And thank you for your prayers.  You are greatly appreciated!

Blessings,

Julia